Dear God, help us

"Yeah, I've never understood that. What is Accounts Recievable?"
~customer with no accounting degree



Maybe I should start my own business. Judging from what I've seen? It's not that hard, apparently.

OH . . . ..really?

"I'm also a product specialist and I have no time for your questions."
~customer who really isn't a customer but a product specialist who has no time for my questions.

Deep Question

"Do you want me at my machine?"
~new customer


No, I want you in the kitchen, pouring orange juice down your pants, HELL, YES, I WANT YOU AT THE MACHINE!!!!

About to Make a backup and . . . .

"So . . . .should I save?"
~ customer



Yeah, you should save but what do I know? I'm just in tech support.

Undecided

"should I click agree?"
~customer who will be waiting a long time to decide to install the program.


YES, YOU SHOULD MOTHERF**KING CLICK I AGREE!!!!!

Memory

"I don't like having to remember stuff."
~Customer who wished they were in the 2001: Space Odyssey movie.

The Sticky Floor

Sometimes there are certain things you take for granted. Four working tires on your car. The ease of getting a McDonalds burger. Decent weather. The price of a good pair of shoes.

and a clean floor in the Men's room.

I was in there one day, doing what most men do in the men's room. My CEO happened to be in there with me. After were done with our "business" we walked toward the sink to wash on hands. On that small journey, our shoes make the "clack, click, clack" sound of a sticky floor. As my boss was drying his hands, he looked at the floor and nonchalantly said, "I really don't care that the floor is sticky . . .I'm concerned WHY the floor is sticky."

Why, indeed, sir.

A Day that will live in Infamy

I was assisting a customer installing the program and the database platform wouldn't install. I asked him if he had the latest service release and he said YES. I asked him if he was on Service Pack 2 or higher. He said YES.

I said, Let's check.

He screamed, Can't take my word for it, eh?"

Out of my mouth I said, I just want to confirm, sir.

In my brain, I said YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, I CAN'T TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT!!! NINTEY PERCENT OF MY CUSTOMERS DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT! WHY THE HELL SHOULD I BELIEVE THE REMAINING TEN PERCENT?????

Needless to say, he was on service pack 2. So I had him do a cold boot and for all the kids at home, that means TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND LEAVE IT OFF FOR 2 MINUTES. Then once it booted back up, we tried the installation again. It worked.

Why would this day live in infamy? He apologized for being rude. A CUSTOMER ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED for being rude.

Wow. I was nearly moved to tears.

Nearly.

Tech Support or a Scene from 24?

If you worked with me, you'd understand it's not that different.

Wait . . .the baldguy is missing his headset.

Joann has a Problem

I'm not sure Tech support is gonna be able to help you with that, Honey.

I mean, look, the Log isn't even plugged in. :)

Can this job get any harder?

"The Monitor? Thats the thing that looks like a TV, right?"

~Customer who is probably wanting to watch Regis and Kelly

Oh, Lord . . .

"I'm not sure what you mean by "Backup"?"
~Customer who will probably be recreating a LOT of data

Ask a Dumb Question . . . .

"There are no folders on my Desktop. Only pens and a coffe mug."
~Customer who is probably 69 years old.

Only a Tech Will Get this

"HKEY_CURRENT_LOSER? Yeah, I see that."



I wish my registry was that funny.

Pray, maybe?

"My caps lock is stuck. I can't type in my password. What should I do?"
~Customer who doesn't know the difference between HARDWARE PROBLEMS and SOFTWARE PROBLEMS.

Can You Believe This?

"The PERIOD? That's next to the "M" on the keyboard, right?"
~Customer Who Just Caused the Tech to Faint

Do the Math

One gig of ram divided by Vista plus a 60 year old computer user equals forty five minutes just to register the program.

You think I'm kidding?

A Heavenly Question

"Eternal Balances? Where do I find those?"
~Customer who was probably looking for a higher answer

My Own Mother Said . . . .

"I could share my popcorn . . . . . but I'm not gonna."
~When I took her to see Iron Man




It's got nothing to do with Tech Support but it was so funny I had to share it. :)

Too Much Info

"This is enough to get my pooper puckered."
~Customer who Really shouldn't have shared that with me

A Rarity

"Wow! This support is much better than (major competitor) !"
~Loyal Customer



What? You didn't really think I was going to spill their name, did you? Like I said, the names have been changed to protect the Guilty.

Another Rarity

"I get it now!"
~Customer Who Has Seen The Light

Ya Think???

"The error message says something about some sort of thing that won't work."
~customer who couldn't be any more vague

Onsight Tech's Solution to the Problem

"That won't work! I need a work-a-round that won't require them to think."
~Tech Who May Not be Stupid After All

We're Installing the Program and . . . . .

"But why does it want my serial number?"
~Customer who probably thought serial number was actually social security number.

Be Warned

"Yeah. I know what I am going to do. I'm going to go get a shotgun and kill my buddy for selling me this crappy hard drive!"
~ Customer who found out the problem was with his computer; not our software.



OH! IMAGINE THAT!!!

No, really, Why?

"Me? Buy a support plan? WHY?"
~ Customer Who Thinks Tech Support is Free



Why don't you take your car down to the local mechanic and ask them if you can have four brand new tires for free?

Someone Understands

"Don't click continue . . . . .Just sit there and stare at it."
~Tech On Sight giving Advise to Client.



Yes, I didn't say that! But I wanted to.

Ode to Goldie

"Do not cry in here! You don't live in this office, Goldie!"
~ Woman screaming at Possible Female Homeless Person.

Sorry, Uncle Bill

But it was high time the world knew the truth.

17 pounds

I proceeded to assist the customer in checking for corrupted data. As our test was running, I hear WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM!!!!!!!

"What a slob." he mutters.

"Is everything okay, sir?" I ask.

"Sorry about that," he tells me, "I'm sitting at this girls desk and she's got 17 pounds of crumbs in her keyboard."

Whoops

"Can you help me find the transaction I just deleted?"
~Customer in Denial

Sugar Cost

"Well, that ain't enough sugar to put on a dime!"
~Unknown Alabama Customer

Me and Bill

It all started on a plane trip back from Texas. I was confused about why Bill Gates would be sitting in first class on a common passenger plane. Doesn't he like own the sky or something? As it would seem to be my luck, I sat next to him. Obviously we started to talk shop. I told him that was a tech support personnel in a big software company. I told him the crap I go through. Lord Gates was confused so I had to explain to him that I do indeed love my job, however, as you seem to be sitting next to the overlord of the computer world, it seemed only fair that he hear your confession. I told him that if I am lucky I recieve 50 calls a day helping out customer with problems with our software, understanding our software, understanding the operating system that he made and doing our damndest to get them to fixt the problem. I explained to him that everybody believes the tech support person is evil. Far from it; the system is evil, the customer's ignorance is evil. I've spoken with customer who have no business being on a computer, let alone our program. Bill finally asked me, "What software company do you work for?"

"A major one." I replied.